A Decision

Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?

- Mary Oliver

I have been reading the poetry of Mary Oliver of late, one of America's greatest poets. She captures the essence of living in the moment I think and of seeing beauty in the everything. For her it is in nature, but it could be any simple thing in our simple lives.  Her words have made me shift my focus again and have brought my attention back to my heart. Or perhaps I should say, I have realized how important it is to continue to listen to my heart, and never stop. 

I have been struggling with some choices lately. Thinking about what it is exactly I am part of here, as I travel to the field on work missions and ride the taxi's up and down these city streets to and from the office.  Choices that you yourself may have encountered at one stage or other along the journey..  To stay or go? When your heart checked-out some time ago, and you are staying for reasons that have never defined the kind of person you are, you start to grow increasingly queasy with the person you are becoming. My heart was saying things, many things, but I dulled it in logic and reason and hushed it with practicalities. But I was never a logical, reasonable, practical girl.  Some might call me irrational and emotional and idealistic. In fact, they do. But all of a sudden I did not fit. I did not fit here and for all my looking, I could not find a way to fit. And why should I? Sudan and this work we ignorantly call 'saving lives' has become a square hole for this round peg of a girl. I do not fit and I blunt my edges by continually trying. 

I believe in helping people, and I want to continue to try and do that. But I also believe that this should be a fluid, dynamic, experimental and intelligent attempt.  Not a bureaucratic money driven one. I no longer feel inspired by the people that guide me in my work here, and even more worrying, I disagree with them at the most fundamental level. I disagree with a mandate of lies and of directly supporting a regime that creates suffering for its people. I am tired of being seen as a walking dollar sign, and tired of ingratitude and greed and a lack of compassion at almost every level of the system I find myself in. I am so tired of so much money being wasted when women and children slip between the cracks of the system and were never the concern of many of these people to begin with. I am tired of blind conformism and organisational politics that are based on personalities and promotions, more than exposing the truth at the core of an issue. 

So here is my truth. I only have one wild and precious life. And I choose to cherish it and honor it, by allowing myself to be surrounded by inspiration and beauty as I define it. I choose to be free to explore all angles of compassion and let it flow continually into all my actions. And I choose not to have my compassion restricted by ideals that were never my own. I choose to let my light shine bright again. 

“Above all, be true to yourself, and if you cannot put your heart in it, take yourself out of it.”- Hardy D. Jackson

To the desert we go...

"The desert is the environment of revelation, genetically and physiologically alien, sensorily austere, asthetically abstract, historically inimical. ... Its forms are bold and suggestive. The mind is beset by light and space, the kinesthetic novelty of the aridity, high temperature, and wind. The desert sky is encircling, majestic, terrible. In other habitats, the rim of sky above the horizontal is broken or obscured; here, together with the overhead portion, it is infinitely vaster than that of rolling countryside and forest lands. ... In an unobstructed sky the clouds seem more massive, sometimes grandly reflecting the earth’s curvature on their concave undersides. The angularity of desert landforms imparts a monumental architecture to the clouds as well as to the land. ...

To the desert go prophets and hermits; through deserts go pilgrims and exiles. Here the leaders of the great religions have sought the therapeutic and spiritual values of retreat, not to escape but to find reality".

- Paul Shepard, Man in the Landscape

City Days..

So long Desert days. And so, inevitably, I find myself settling into my new city life. (Although technically I am still very much in the desert, painfully evident to my sweating body as I sit in the middle of the Sahel, somewhere where the Sahara begins to transition into the 'real' Africa of childhood dreaming. The heat is unbearable some days, and the sand is, still, everywhere). But the sparkling (albeit slightly muddy colored) Nile offers respite to gaze on as I sit reading on our balcony of a weekend. I now (mostly) have a desk job in the country office which does mean A/C comfort, cafeteria lunches and fewer power outages, but sadly also means having to wear proper office clothes again (frown).  My days wandering the camps of Darfur suddenly seem very far away. I have been enjoying eating every different kind of food I can get my hands on though.. Smoked salmon anyone? Bagel and cream cheese? 4-cheese pizza & bruschetta? I have started my Arabic classes again, am playing sport again, relaxing in a certain diplomatic pool on a weekend, shopping for imported goodies, like over-priced swiss chocolate, in a real super-market, risking my life and lungs riding rick-shaws and basically remembering how to have a life as an aid-worker living in a city, as opposed to 'the field'. Living in our own appartment is wonderful too, after months of moving around the field and living in work compounds, of having personal belongings looted during times of conflict, of always having to share bathrooms, kitchens, head spaces, it is simply heavenly to have our own space. Our shoes are by the door,  we have books on the shelf and our very own pot-plants sitting on our balcony. 

But above all, life's adventures and misadventures are of course about the souls we share them with, and while it took me several years of solo wanderings to really understand this deeply, I now see my priorities in a different light. I want continued adventures, but I also want to be near to the people who make me feel alive, who offer comfort when needed and who fill me with inspiration and laughter. And so it is with happiness that, after an entire year spent on the phone, I find myself back near the person who offers me exactly that. Its good for the soul to have someone to laugh with on a daily basis, to deliver a hug when laughter is momentarily blocked, and to share the occasional plate of smoked salmon with.. 

Our very own plants. Overlooking the Nile. 

All the seemingly mundane things are suddenly seen with a new appreciation. Like chatting about your day by the kitchen sink as you do the dishes, like deciding what to eat for dinner. Its going grocery shopping together, even choosing a new bath-mat and ironing board was surprisingly entertaining. And so I am enjoying all the little things that make up the big things about companionship.  Because when they are missing from your life, there is a void in your daily life, in your heart. The transient life of a nomad we have chosen for ourselves is not an easy one for fitting the 'normality' into, or for pairing up. Distances will no doubt place themselves between us again at some point.  So for now I am going to enjoy every little part of togetherness, this normal life, this city life, this beautiful life.  Grateful for You. 


“On a day 
when the wind is perfect, 
the sail just needs to open and the world is full of beauty. 
Today is such a day.”     ~ Rumi

Thoughts on Peace..

Women and Peace. An untapped resource? Sadly, we do not see enough mothers, sisters and daughters involved in international peace talks, comprehensive peace agreements, conflict mitigation strategics, disarmament and demobilization campaigns, post-war reconciliation trials.. in leadership.  But they are there, making peace in their hearts, in their homes. Over here we try and distribute our food and cash vouchers straight to the women of the household, (our monitoring has proven they use it more wisely than their husbands), but I do not often see the women in positions of community leadership and conflict mitigation activities.  But hope remains this month with the Nobel Peace Prize being awarded to three women,"for their non-violent struggle for the safety of women and for women’s rights to full participation in peace-building work." For me they are incredible stand-outs in Africa and the Middle East, two environments where women leaders are few and far between. Ellen Johnson Sirleaf, Leymah Gbowee, and Tawakkol Karman are a sign of a global change in understanding and, hopefully, of increased peace and security for all of us sharing this small planet. As was said by US Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton, one of the worlds most powerful women, “The unflinching courage, strength and leadership of these women to build peace, advance reconciliation and defend the rights of fellow citizens in their own countries provide inspiration for women’s rights and human progress everywhere,”.   Indeed I work in a country where women's leadership is a rarity, making the words of Tawakkols Karmans', who is the same age as me, even more poignant for myself; “Islam has always been associated with radical terrorism, intolerance and more,” she said. “Giving it to a woman and an Islamist? That means a sort of re-evaluation. It means Islam is not against peace, it’s not against women, and Islamists can be women activists, and they can fight for human rights, freedom and democracy.”   Tawakkol is also the youngest person ever to become a Nobel Peace Laureate. 

My male colleagues who work along side me in international development often disagree with me on the importance of highlighting women's involvement and achievements. But the facts speak for themselves, of the impact of educating girls and involving them in community leadership, and the flow-on effects of a reduction in the number of children a family will have, increased household income, and the increased percentage of that income that is invested back into the prosperity of the family. Women are the key.  Women are also make up the part of a population that suffers the most directly during times of war, so logic would dictate they need to be included if not more than men in conflict mitigation activities. They need more support and their opinions need to be heard. They are the ones left behind to keep the next generation alive, grow food, collect water and often suffer the atrocities of war-fare on a personally physical level that no human should ever have to experience.            

“We cannot achieve democracy and lasting peace in the world unless women obtain the same opportunities as men to influence developments at all levels of society”

- Thorbjorn Jagland (Nobel committee).

Khmer women working in the rice paddies, Kam Chai Mear, Cambodia.

“I’m convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You’ve got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don’t settle.”

"... almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart."                     

                                                                                                                                               - Steve Jobs

"The only dream worth having is to dream that you will live while you are alive, and die only when you are dead. To love. To be loved. To never forget your own insignificance. To never get used to the unspeakable violence and the vulgar disparity of life around you. To seek joy in the saddest places. To pursue beauty to its lair. To never simplify what is complicated or complicate what is simple. To respect strength, never power. Above all, to watch. To try and understand. To never look away. And never, never, to forget." 

— Arundhati Roy

Desert Solitude

These days, I find myself very much alone...


"Therefore, dear Sir, love your solitude and try to sing out with the pain it causes you. For those who are near you are far away... and this shows that the space around you is beginning to grow vast.... be happy about your growth, in which of course you can't take anyone with you, and be gentle with those who stay behind; be confident and calm in front of them and don't torment them with your doubts and don't frighten them with your faith or joy, which they wouldn't be able to comprehend. Seek out some simple and true feeling of what you have in common with them, which doesn't necessarily have to alter when you yourself change again and again; when you see them, love life in a form that is not your own and be indulgent toward those who are growing old, who are afraid of the aloneness that you trust.... and don't expect any understanding; but believe in a love that is being stored up for you like an inheritance, and have faith that in this love there is a strength and a blessing so large that you can travel as far as you wish without having to step outside it." 

— Rainer Maria Rilke (Letters to a Young Poet)

War. Again.

STATEMENT BY THE UN RESIDENT AND HUMANITARIAN COORDINATOR IN SUDAN ON THE SITUATION IN BLUE NILE STATE

The United Nations Resident and Humanitarian Coordinator in Sudan is deeply concerned about the recent outbreak of fighting in Blue Nile State between the Sudan Armed Forces and the Sudan People’s Liberation Movement-North which has already caused thousands of people to flee their homes.

The fighting, which started in the State capital, Ed Damazine, on the evening of 1 September, has spread to other parts of the State and thousands of people are reported to have fled their homes. In Kurmuk, in the southern part of the State, some 16,000 people are reported to have fled across the border into neighbouring Ethiopia since the fighting began. The United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees (UNHCR) in Ethiopia is currently assessing the needs of those who crossed the border.

The United Nations Resident and Humanitarian Coordinator called on both the Government of Sudan and the Sudan People’s Liberation Movement-North to end the fighting immediately and to seek to resolve any disputes through peaceful means, to prevent more loss of life and to enable displaced people to return to their homes. He also called on both sides to allow humanitarian staff to assess the needs of civilians affected by the fighting as soon as it is safe to do so, so that they can assist in addressing any urgent needs. He emphasized that both sides have a responsibility to ensure the protection of humanitarian staff and to prevent any looting and destruction of offices and warehouses where vital aid is stored, noting that we must avoid a repeat of incidents of this nature that have been witnessed elsewhere in Sudan recently.

More media coverage from New York Times and Time Magazine and Eric Reeves overview Here. 


"Are we seeking power for power’s sake? Or are we seeking to make the world and our nation better places to live? If we seek the latter, violence can never provide the answer. The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. Instead of diminishing evil, it multiplies it. Through violence you may murder the liar, but you cannot murder the lie, nor establish the truth. Through violence you may murder the hater, but you do not murder hate. In fact, violence merely increases hate. So it goes. Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that".

 - Martin Luther King, Jr.

Safari

Jambo from Kenya. We have spent the past 2 weeks here, on the most incredible safari across three parts of the country. We started our adventures in Nanyuki in the north, just next to Mount Kenya, where we tracked Rhino's. Then we flew down to the mighty Masai Mara for the great migration, which was more amazing than we could have imagined. To witness a herd of more than a thousand wildebeest frantically crossing a river was a scene that will never leave my memory. Then finally we crossed over into Amboselli, a few hours south of Nairobi, right on the border with Tanzania, where elephants lazily bathe in the wetlands with a backdrop of Mount Kilimanjaro. 

Crossing the equator (twice)

It really was one of the most memorable and beautiful experiences of my life, to be so close to wild animals, to witness their daily way of life first-hand, (almost) completely untouched by human interference. There is nothing quite like watching a pride of lions attempt to bring down a wildebeest while on the hunt. Or even just watching them doze under a bush was equally as magical in my opinion. Now we are relaxing at the beach, to the sounds of the Indian Ocean just metres from our villa door, quite heavenly. Life is good. There will be many pictures to come, stay tuned (we literally took thousands with our trusty Nikons). For now, here are a few Hipsta moments. Hakuna Matata... 

This Landy lover was in heaven.. 

We were sipping G&Ts while watching these three young males
 have their own 'sundowner' drink

"Here in Africa, where whole landscapes seem alert, 

a sense of purity and danger is reawakened, 

of origins and time and mystery, 

as if some marvelous childhood faculty has been restored"

- Peter Matthiessen

One Year

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation."

- C.S.Lewis

Australia, my long-distance Love, this ones for you..

I got a secret
I think I’m in love with missing you

More than I’m in love with you 

That’s why I go away all the time

That’s why I travel the world and roam free

I feel like a travelling salesman

Even though I’m a woman

Picking up my bags from the station

Standing there face to face

I’d be lying if I did not say

I love you more when I’m missing you

That’s why I’m always away

Believe me it’s true

I love the danger in distance

I’d rather be missing you

                                                       From the Beautiful sounds of  Seeker Lover Keeper

Some beautiful words sent with love from Yumi ~ 

"May today there be peace within. 

May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. 

May you not forget the infinite possibilities 

that are born of faith in yourself and others. 

May you use the gifts that you have received, 

and pass on the love that has been given to you. 

May you be content with yourself just the way you are. 

Let this knowledge settle into your bones, 

and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. 

It is there for each and everyone of us"

Perpetual Motion

Packing again. Sometimes I think I am improving at packing, other days I fail at it miserably.  Whatever the case, I am developing a talent for moving on, for letting go. I can now recognize the beauty of simplicity. Letting go has meant lightening my cargo of unnecessary weight, of people and places and emotions, like regret for example. Some things are just too heavy to carry through ones life for too long. Travel has taught me what to leave behind and not look back on. It has also taught me what not to take for granted, what to be eternally grateful for and the importance of expressing that gratitude as often as possible. Travel has also taught me the importance of coming home. Being home these past 2 months has reminded me of the need for balance in my life, something I often neglect. Making time for all those wonderfully indulgent things in life feels good. As does being kind to myself. I am still learning how to navigate this journey and I still make multiple mistakes along the way, but the road continues to beckon and I am still her willing follower. 

you know I have left everywhere I have ever been

I don't really recommend it
though not like anyone asked me

maybe you and I will meet again someday

I've been known to come down this road

call it destiny and then again

maybe not

I don't know.

God's Country, Ani difranco

MLK

Yesterday was Martin Luther King, Jr. day.

He really had a way with words.. 

Take the first step in faith. You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.

True compassion is more than flinging a coin to a beggar; it is not haphazard and superficial. It comes to see that an edifice which produces beggars needs restructuring.

Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power. We have guided missiles and misguided men.

We must combine the toughness of the serpent and the softness of the dove, a tough mind and a tender heart.

Success, recognition, and conformity are the bywords of the modern world where everyone seems to crave the anesthetizing security of being identified with the majority.

Hatred paralyzes life; love releases it. Hatred confuses life; love harmonizes it. Hatred darkens life; love illuminates it.

The Wolf

In the glance of the speechless animal, 

there is a discourse that only the soul of the wise

 can really understand. 

- An Indian Poet

I recently received a care package from a lovely friend who is a fellow animal lover, which included this wonderful book: The Philosopher and the Wolf: Lessons from the Wild on Love, Death and Happiness by Mark Rowlands. 

It is essentially the story of a man (who happens to be a philosophy professor) and a wolf, called Brenin.  It explores not only the relationship between people and 'pets', but also the comparison of human nature, or 'Ape' nature, to that of Wolves and what we can learn form them and apply to our lives. I learnt the most important lessons of my life from two four-legged kindred spirits, one of whom left me one year ago this week,  and so this book really touched me.  

"Think of the wolf as the clearing in the forest. In the bowels of the forest it may be too dark to see the trees. The clearing is the place that allows what was hidden to be uncovered. The wolf is the clearing in the human soul. The wolf uncovers what is hidden in the stories we tell about ourselves - what those stories show but do not say."

He explores that amazingly admirable ability that wolves and dogs possess to embrace a single moment. To realise the utter joy in a simple, temporal, snapshot of time. To cast off preconceived ideas and concerns for the future, from the past, to rid oneself of the wider connectedness of all of the influences in our lives - to allow oneself to simply be. In a single moment. 

"For them, the moment their jaws closed on the pain au chocolat was complete in itself, unadulterated by any other possible moments spread out through time. It could be neither augmented nor diminished by what had gone before and what was yet to come. For us, no moment is ever complete in itself. "

My dogs taught me that. And while some days I get lost in all the complexities of this busy nomadic life I lead, and begin to forget that most important lesson, it always finds a way to  come back to me in some way or another and remind me that pure joy can be found in a single moment.  If I stop, and let the pureness of the moment gently wash over me, let it be simply what it is, with no complications. Let it bring me this freedom and clarity. And I need that. These days more than ever. 

Wills and Rip, Uamby 2004

"How hard it is to escape from places.

However carefully one goes they hold you - 

you leave little bits of yourself fluttering on the fences - 

like rags and shreds of your very life".

~

I find so much truth in these words of the New Zealand writer, Katherine Mansfield. The words take me back to al those places where I am left, fluttering..

Kagbeni, 2007

my mother, Kosciuszko, 1975.