Ma'aslama

This week I say ma'asalama. I have made many comings and goings in this desert over the past 2 years and 8 months, but this is my final departure.  At times this week my heart has felt a weight of heaviness, something resembling sadness and loss. But then at other times I have felt a great lightness, with a sense of release and freedom on my doorstep. This perpetual roller-coaster of emotion does not surprise me. This is Sudan. She can fill you with joy and break your heart in the very same day.  No other country has left me feeling this way. Departures are always bitter-sweet, saying goodbyes, moving on to new chapters and new friends, but this one is different somehow. I feel like I have witnessed the best and worst in humanity here in this desert, this country lost in a sand-storm of greed and power and innocence and suffering, where occasionally the sands lift and clear enough to briefly glimpse the durability of the human spirit. I have been blessed to have witnessed it, but I have perhaps allowed it to alter my perspective more than I should have. 

A good friend once said to me, in response to some of my characteristic moaning about Darfur and more, " Just lower your expectations". I thought about it a lot after that. Peace can seem like an illustrious, distant concept some times. Peace talks fail, fighting continues, food aid goes missing, soldiers get fat, crops fail, villages still get burnt to the ground, women still get raped when they go to collect firewood, the UN high-ups still talk, and talk, and talk. I have cynical days. But perhaps that is a given, and perhaps that allows me to really celebrate success when I see it, even if it is in small doses. I should never have come here expecting to see a troubled country find peace and democracy and prosperity. I should never have gone to Darfur expecting to feel like I am "making a difference" on a daily basis. I should never have expected to find every single beneficiary in genuine need. I should not have expected people to appear grateful for my presence here. I was naive to have assumed a major UN agency would be driven by humanitarian principles. I should not have expected egg yolks to be yellow! And I should not have expected all my colleagues to have come here with the same ideals as my own. But I have seen a desperate nation gain their independence after a 50 year struggle. And I have watched Darfurian school children eating a breakfast of food-aid in their playground. And I have worked with several amazing people, who are here solely to contribute to poverty alleviation rather than to their bank accounts. And I have met foreigners, who obviously never had the expectations I did, who remain perpetually hopeful and positive, ready to dedicate their whole lives to this country. I applaud them, and wish them luck on their journey. Sudan taught me to finally open my eyes to the small things, and allow myself to be content with that, even if just for today. And wherever my journey takes me next, I will try to carry these valuable lessons.

And so theses notes must now find their rest, in my heart, in my pictures and words. I leave them behind, to begin a new chapter. Thank you for joining me on this journey. It has helped me greatly to be able to release my thoughts and share my pictures with you. Unlike previous transitions in my life the next chapter has not presented itself with well defined clarity, but I am choosing to embrace this and revel in the unknown, the unexpected, the unpredictable. And to rest. My journey moves onward, via a place called home, where I plan to re-collect my soul and focus on the things that bring me happiness and comfort. My alignment has been off, for a while now, and I hope to correct that before moving on. 

Juba, 2010

I'm taking with me the smell of a desert horse and the velvet touch of his muzzle against my cheek. I take with me the call to prayer as the sun rises over the desert at day-break. I retain the smiles and the shout-outs of "okay!" of the Darfurian children living in the camps that define their small lives, as they run along side the huge white Landcruiser, giving me the thumbs-up sign the peace-keepers had taught them. I take with me the adventures of Africa in places where pieces of my heart also remains; from Namibia, Zanzibar, Masai Mara, Lesotho, Bwindi and her Gorilla's, and with a school of Hammerheads in the Red Sea. It is all now with me, locked inside this wandering heart. 

I tend to let countries seep into my soul. I dive in, deep in emersion. Every place I have lived has somehow become part of me. Sudan is no different. Here below are some of my best memories. 

Ma'asalama Sudan, I wish you Peace.

Juba, when two Sudan's were still one, January 2010.

Port Sudan after a dive trip on the Red Sea

Sufi's of Omdurman

Shade never felt so valuable 

Riding to the Pyramids of Meroe

Kassala, Eastern Sudan

Desert breakfast

Desert Coffee

Desert Rush-hour 

Desert Oasis

Walking home down a Khartoum street

Treasures of Souq Omdurman

Climbing Pyramids

Camel nomads in Darfur

'Protection' in Darfur

Distribution day, Kalma Camp

Food Aid for sale in the camp market, Darfur

                       

Women dividing food rations
distribution day, Kalma Camp

Nomads watering their stock,
near the South/North Darfur border

Curious camp kids, Darfur

At the races, Khartoum

'Nullarbor'

Ancient ruins of Meroe

Riding home from the Nile, Khartoum

View from my bedroom window, Nyala

We are lonesome animals.

We spend all of our life trying to be less lonesome. 

One of our ancient methods is to tell a story begging the listener to say, and to feel, 

"Yes, that is the way it is, or at least that is the way I feel it.

You’re not as alone as you thought".

 — John Steinbeck

Thoughts on Peace..

Women and Peace. An untapped resource? Sadly, we do not see enough mothers, sisters and daughters involved in international peace talks, comprehensive peace agreements, conflict mitigation strategics, disarmament and demobilization campaigns, post-war reconciliation trials.. in leadership.  But they are there, making peace in their hearts, in their homes. Over here we try and distribute our food and cash vouchers straight to the women of the household, (our monitoring has proven they use it more wisely than their husbands), but I do not often see the women in positions of community leadership and conflict mitigation activities.  But hope remains this month with the Nobel Peace Prize being awarded to three women,"for their non-violent struggle for the safety of women and for women’s rights to full participation in peace-building work." For me they are incredible stand-outs in Africa and the Middle East, two environments where women leaders are few and far between. Ellen Johnson Sirleaf, Leymah Gbowee, and Tawakkol Karman are a sign of a global change in understanding and, hopefully, of increased peace and security for all of us sharing this small planet. As was said by US Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton, one of the worlds most powerful women, “The unflinching courage, strength and leadership of these women to build peace, advance reconciliation and defend the rights of fellow citizens in their own countries provide inspiration for women’s rights and human progress everywhere,”.   Indeed I work in a country where women's leadership is a rarity, making the words of Tawakkols Karmans', who is the same age as me, even more poignant for myself; “Islam has always been associated with radical terrorism, intolerance and more,” she said. “Giving it to a woman and an Islamist? That means a sort of re-evaluation. It means Islam is not against peace, it’s not against women, and Islamists can be women activists, and they can fight for human rights, freedom and democracy.”   Tawakkol is also the youngest person ever to become a Nobel Peace Laureate. 

My male colleagues who work along side me in international development often disagree with me on the importance of highlighting women's involvement and achievements. But the facts speak for themselves, of the impact of educating girls and involving them in community leadership, and the flow-on effects of a reduction in the number of children a family will have, increased household income, and the increased percentage of that income that is invested back into the prosperity of the family. Women are the key.  Women are also make up the part of a population that suffers the most directly during times of war, so logic would dictate they need to be included if not more than men in conflict mitigation activities. They need more support and their opinions need to be heard. They are the ones left behind to keep the next generation alive, grow food, collect water and often suffer the atrocities of war-fare on a personally physical level that no human should ever have to experience.            

“We cannot achieve democracy and lasting peace in the world unless women obtain the same opportunities as men to influence developments at all levels of society”

- Thorbjorn Jagland (Nobel committee).

Khmer women working in the rice paddies, Kam Chai Mear, Cambodia.

“I’m convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You’ve got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don’t settle.”

"... almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart."                     

                                                                                                                                               - Steve Jobs

One in Seven.

Two things I wanted to share with you:

First, the recent TED talk from the director of the organisation I currently work for. And second, Foreign Policy magazine has just put out a whole issue on Food: "Inside the Geopolitics of a Hungry Planet", which I found quite good. Hunger is obviously in the media spotlight of late, with the Horn of Africa battling famine, complicated by prolonged aid-blockages in Somalia. But this crisis should live with us each and every day until it is no longer that - a crisis. One billion people wake up hungry every day. One in seven people on this planet. Hunger kills more people than AIDS, Malaria and TB combined.  And, as JS says in the TED talk, most of us have a not-too-distant-connection with hunger. My own ancestors endured the famines of Ireland. It really was not that long ago. It brings it home for me. 

To a hungry man, a piece of bread is the face of God. 

 - Gandhi. 

A thought.

Frustrations.. 

Could be defined as having to unexpectedly and suddenly evacuate your home and place of work. To have to leave the landscape and people you have become passionate about working with. And having all your stuff stolen and destroyed :(

Frustration could also be... 

Being somewhere you are passionate about but unable to get out and do what you really came there for. Constantly being at risk of danger and witnessing the abuse of precious resources that could ultimately stretch so far if used right. 

But gratitude... 

Gratitude is being able to pursue your dreams and strive to be good at something you have chosen to do. It is being able to say you are proud of your profession and the life you have. Being grateful for the beautiful people and places that can still touch you, even in times of frustration. 

Thats all. 

Today in the camp one of the Sheikhs came and asked us if he could be excused from the verifications for 4-5 days and that he would report with his family when he got back. I asked him where he was going, expecting him to say he needed to oversee his crops or attend to some business in town. Instead he responded that he was flying to Doha later today to attend the peace-talks. I wished him all the very best and peace for his country. He smiled and responded that he deeply wished for peace in all parts and for all peoples of his country.  It was a good moment.

Felt inspired by this article on the thoughts and writings of Nobel Peace Prize winner Wangari Maathai,   founder of the Green Belt Movement, so I have just ordered her new book on the Kindle. CCM and I were just swapping thoughts the other day on the spirituality present in nature and environmentalism and how to define it.  Our views differed, but I really love how Maathai explains it as it finds a medium ground for both our beliefs to coexist: 

"A certain tree, forest or mountain itself may not be holy, [but] the life-sustaining services it provides — the oxygen we breathe, the water we drink — are what make existence possible," she writes. "The environment becomes sacred, because to destroy what is essential to life is to destroy life itself."


I also liked the way Sierra Club founder John Muir (in this picture) described Yosemite:

"the grandest of all special temples of Nature."

The latest from Steve McCurry's blog... 

This man.. what a genius with a camera.
http://stevemccurry.wordpress.com/

And his stunning website.. 

I admire Steve McCurry for his ability to be inclusive of beauty, while transmitting stories of heartache and hardship. In environments of suffering, there is still beauty to be found - in a smile, in a child's game, in the colour of a woman's garment as it is draped over her face.. I sometimes question though, whether a photo-journalist could still access and capture what he did over the past three decades. I feel the world is a different place nowadays. I feel that exposing poverty and war with openness, in unfiltered, raw formats is a lost medium.  I believe that the media controls what we see more than ever.  I feel I missed out on an opportunity.. an opportunity to become aware.. to know truth. 

Looking for that summit again...

I have been a bit down lately.  In my core I know this has been unjustified and indeed, self-indulgent.  What right do I have to allow melancholy into this wonderful adventure that is my life?  But these last couple of months here in South Darfur have been challenging for this lover of the outdoors..  As I have been trapped indoors.  The security situation around these parts has gone from dismal to.. worse? And consequently, my freedom of movement has gone down with it.  No more trips to the camps (did you notice a distinct lack of photographs of late??). No more field trips, helicopter rides or interacting with people and places that inspire. Not even walking outside is allowed, so we sit in a mini-van to commute the 3 minutes to the office.  Just office and home, home and office, office and home...and so forth, on and on....

I am struggling. And I am starting to question. Everything.  What are we doing here? Why are we here? What is our role? And then of course the big life questions... Should I be here? What else could I do? Where should I go? Who should I go there with ? Do I even have a home anymore? In the real sense of all that comes with that illustrious word 'home'? Where exactly is my heart these days? 

So what do I do?  Please tell me? Do you ever have these moments in life where you feel trapped?For now, I tend to look to my beloved mountains. And I let my mind wander to far away lands, to my past lives, to all the places my feet have trodden... Remind myself of my fortune that I possess - my past adventures. 

Machapuchare, 2007

I go back, back to a quiet cool of dawn run through the rice paddies in eastern Cambodian province. Or to crossing mountain passes that feel like a gateway to another world. Where the freshness of a Himalayan wind touches my face - winds that may have just danced off the face of Sagarmatha. Or back to galloping horses across Namibia, feeling wild and exhilarated and free.  Or simply to a bush campfire, as the Eucalypt's spark and crack into the night air..

We do not summit every day. Sometimes we are weak and the climb is arduous.  Sometimes the view is hazy and unclear, shielded in clouds.  But there is always promise for tomorrow.  And sometimes the clouds part and I think I can see the summit on the horizon.  And it is beautiful. 

Annapurna's 2007

"The paths we're walking on, they crumble behind us

But if we leave now, they will never find us

And if this crazy world spins itself down to dust, I want to be with you in the colours

When you again start hoping, with your arms wide open, 

Come on, dance with me, dance with me into the colours of the dusk. 

And all will be right, dancing like water with the light. 

Dance with me, won't you dance with me into the colours of the dusk? "

                                                          - Ben Harper, Into the Colours.

Here's to a New Year, a New start, a Fresh Chance - to change the world..

(Borrowed from this Cute Blog I recently discovered)

We are fishing in the desert...

The Wolf

In the glance of the speechless animal, 

there is a discourse that only the soul of the wise

 can really understand. 

- An Indian Poet

I recently received a care package from a lovely friend who is a fellow animal lover, which included this wonderful book: The Philosopher and the Wolf: Lessons from the Wild on Love, Death and Happiness by Mark Rowlands. 

It is essentially the story of a man (who happens to be a philosophy professor) and a wolf, called Brenin.  It explores not only the relationship between people and 'pets', but also the comparison of human nature, or 'Ape' nature, to that of Wolves and what we can learn form them and apply to our lives. I learnt the most important lessons of my life from two four-legged kindred spirits, one of whom left me one year ago this week,  and so this book really touched me.  

"Think of the wolf as the clearing in the forest. In the bowels of the forest it may be too dark to see the trees. The clearing is the place that allows what was hidden to be uncovered. The wolf is the clearing in the human soul. The wolf uncovers what is hidden in the stories we tell about ourselves - what those stories show but do not say."

He explores that amazingly admirable ability that wolves and dogs possess to embrace a single moment. To realise the utter joy in a simple, temporal, snapshot of time. To cast off preconceived ideas and concerns for the future, from the past, to rid oneself of the wider connectedness of all of the influences in our lives - to allow oneself to simply be. In a single moment. 

"For them, the moment their jaws closed on the pain au chocolat was complete in itself, unadulterated by any other possible moments spread out through time. It could be neither augmented nor diminished by what had gone before and what was yet to come. For us, no moment is ever complete in itself. "

My dogs taught me that. And while some days I get lost in all the complexities of this busy nomadic life I lead, and begin to forget that most important lesson, it always finds a way to  come back to me in some way or another and remind me that pure joy can be found in a single moment.  If I stop, and let the pureness of the moment gently wash over me, let it be simply what it is, with no complications. Let it bring me this freedom and clarity. And I need that. These days more than ever. 

Wills and Rip, Uamby 2004

Need some Hope? Some Inspiration?

Grab a cuppa (or three) and settle in for a good read:
DIY Foreign-Aid Revolution
And...
Greg Mortensons Ideas for Afghanistan

Enjoy :)

A Beat for Peace

I wanted to share with you..

..what I'm listening to...

One of my old favourites from the beautiful soul that is Xavier Rudd. I am posting 'Messages'  because it always provokes thoughts for me on what is happening in my country.. like our current politicians, battling for power in this election, with their priorities so irrelevant and alarmingly out of place. 

So now come sit down

Will you talk with me now

Let me see through your eyes

Where there is so much light

We are biding our time

For these myths to unwind

For these changes we will confront..

For this sacred land

It has seen many hands

It has wealth and gold

Yet it is fragile and old

And all the greedy souls

Just don't care to know

Of the changes it will confront..

So speak out loud

Of the things you are proud

And if you love this coast

Then keep it clean as it hopes

'Cause the way that it shines

May just dwindle with time

With the changes it will confront..

So hold nice and close

the ones who get to your soul

So that when it is cold

you won't feel so alone

'Cause the roads that you take

may just crack and break

With the changes you will confront..

Well I know you are strong

May your Journey be long

And now I wish you the best of luck.